I've been tense all day. Truth be told, I've been tense for five years. Since my mother died I don't think I have had a completely relaxed moment. I've had great times- amazing, wonderful times. I've gotten married with a piercing golden sun shining on my loved ones. I have jumped from an airplane into a cool blue sky and floated down into a soft green field. I've held my newborn daughter in my arms and seen her first few smiles. Beneath these things, though, the fragility of such moments keeps me from being immersed in the moment. Since I lost mom I am so hyper-aware that all I hold can be taken away that I think a part of me is always waiting for the next tragedy. It's ridiculous to admit and sounds embarrassingly melodramatic.
Today I was feeling this so acutely. It was a sunny hot summer day and I was driving around town at lunch time with a CD I love (Dave Matthews, Some Devil) playing, and I thought, I should be ecstatic right now. I felt like I had a buoyant mood almost bubbling to the surface, but I was holding it down with my worry.
I shared this all with Shane, and he decided we needed an outing to free my good mood. We loaded up the Mollybird and the camera equipment and began driving aimlessly along the river. We stopped at a downtown parking garage with a view of the east end and he snapped a couple of shots of some church steeples- a Charleston cliche he's blogged about before. The we ledt and noticed the big cemetary that overlooks downtown. Neither of us has ever been, so we drove up there for a while. Shane was smitten with the view and the sunset, and I impressed myself for discovering a way to hold Molly in my shawl sling-like. (I had idyllic visions of babywearing in a gorgeous Maya Wrap, but Molly usually hates being worn.) It is very lovely up there and we'll definitely do back to shoot more. I imagine a few photos will make it onto his blog, Through the Lens.