Saturday, July 29, 2006
I was rocking Molly and I heard Joni Mitchell on a movie soundtrack and burst into tears. When I hear her or Bonnie Raitt it takes my breath away. The sound of their voices pulls my memories to the surface instantly and my mom's absence is right there like a tangible thing. The comfortable bliss I feel being with the baby makes becoming a mother without her guidance a little easier than I thought it would be, but I miss her so much. I never met my mom's father; he died when she was young, and I loved the stories she told me but I know I never felt I knew him the way she would have wanted me to. Now Molly will have my stories but they won't mean as much to her as they do to me. It's like that with Shane too. She was so sick when we started dating that she didn't want to meet him. It was all too intense for a new relationship, but he was so amazing and comforting and he said the most beautiful thing to me once. I was crying to him about his not knowing her, and he told me "I have the best part of her right here." It was so much what I needed to hear. I am so much like her- she worried alot, as I do obviously, but was incredibly easy-going and goofy at the same time. So much fun. I still feel such a closeness, and I know I'll feel she's with me as I watch Molly grow, and I hope so deeply that we can be as close as my mama and I were.