Tuesday, August 15, 2006

anxiety redux

Wow. Every single state, except mine, is growing in diversity. http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/08/15/diversity.ap/index.html
It's funny. I started reading the article, and it said the trend of increasing ethnic diversity was in all but one state, and I thought, "I bet it's us." I nailed it. People have a tendency to leave the state rather than move here. We are so bloody poor and there are no jobs. None. It's a shame, because West Virginia is a gorgeous, comfortable place.

I had a mom anxiety relapse this morning. I dropped Shane off at our friend's where he was meeting up to do a photo job, then brought the baby home to nurse before I took her to her grandfather's and went to work. I got really freaked out and was nursing her with tears running down my face. I couldn't stand the idea of leaving her. I seriously considered calling in sick, but I knew I couldn't because we are way too poor and I was hanging onto a little shred of responsibility. I tried repeatedly to get my shit together and failed miserably. I finally made myself stop crying long enough to call my dad-in-law and tell him I was taking the baby to work with me and then I packed her up and made it in on time. I don't know what the problem was. I'd had a long weekend, so maybe I was used to being home. But I have long weekends a lot. Maybe it was knowing he was going to be travelling with her to a neighboring county an hour or so away? I don't know why it was suddenly heartbreaking again, but I'm so glad my job is open to my bringing her in occasionally.

She was a sweet pea most of the day. She rolled over all the way a couple of times effortlesssly. (All weekend she struggled and tried so hard to roll but couldn't quite make it.) She giggled at me and made my heart burst open with love and pride at her first almost-real laughter. She held a toy for the first time. She was incredible. Then around three o'clock she got very fussy and stayed that way for the next six hours. I'm worn out now. She's finally asleep in her little kick & play chair. I'm going to head upstairs and put us both down for the night, Goddess willing that she stays asleep. I should be working on the wedding invitations I'm designing for Shane's cousin, but I'm exhausted and I have another evening before we need to print them. My procrastination, once again, is astounding. Bah- I'm a tired mommy. I have an excuse this time.

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