Friday, December 29, 2006

sciatica & baby elektra

I'm down, physically and emotionally. My back's out and I've been lying around for two days. Shane's been wonderful, caring for the baby and me. Today he had to go to work, though, so his parents have her. They brought her to me a little while ago to nurse but she wasn't very interested. I miss her and feel weird about not being able to lift and carry her around, even though I know it's no indication of my mothering ability or anything. It's been a vulnerable week emotionally anyway, since Molly started to show a very insistent preference for Shane over me except for feedings and sleeping. It's so childish and ridiculous to be jealous, but of course I am. I'm sure all first time parents go through that- Shane used to annoy me being jealous of the nursing bond, but now that she's really smitten with her Daddy I understand how he felt. I'm so used to being her whole world. Well, at least when Papaw wasn't around. She's always loved him so much. He's fallen in her esteem too, and actually she prefers her Mamaw to everyone- Shane included. We went to pick her up from their house after work the other day and she cried when either one of us held her.

The loss of the mommy-obsession re-opened my working mom sadness. I had it in my head that I don't get to spend much time with her. That's an exaggeration I'm sure. I have her in my arms or at my side all evening and all night long, and then nearly constantly on weekends. It's just annoying and melancholy to "lose" her a little.


Mom & Dad E left me "Lady in the Water" to watch on DVD when they took Molly. It's so beautiful. I'm a total sucker for a fairy tale, and I love M. Night Shyamalan. How cool is it to be named Night? Or better yet, Story, the heroine of the movie. What a beautiful name.


I dreamt Molly had a tiny twin sister they had found in my womb at my six week checkup. She fit in the palm of my hand. She was sickly and I grew a tiny nipple to nurse her with, but she wouldn't grow. I told Shane we needed to name her and he told me we shouldn't get attached because she probably would die. I wanted to name her Suzy anyway. There was a beautiful huge angel fish in the dream too that flopped on top of an aquarium and had to be put back in the water. That's no doubt from staring at a toy aquarium nightlight with Molly as I nursed her to sleep. We also had an ocean CD playing so the nursery was wonderfully tranquil.

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