Friday, April 27, 2007

art slacker, still not evolving

Sometimes I think I'm too psychologicaly fragile or insecure or just too generally lacking the type of ego necessary to be happy and successful as an artist. Thinking here of years of weeping openly during critiques, sleepless nights second guessing my concepts, black depressions and self doubt where I'd hold a paintbrush loaded with thick beautiful oils and be physically unable to touch it to canvas. Tearing down half-finished sculptures in fits of self-loathing. The fact that I have maybe 8 or 10 pieces left from 11 years of school that weren't destroyed and no slides of my decent work.

I thought graphic design would be a smaller emotional investment. Now I have one client whose project had me so blocked and stymied in the beginning I fell apart and now several rounds of proposals later, still can't seem to please. I have another who is an artisan and is continually redesigning my stuff and I'm worried it's going to look awful. I'm confused that she's not pleased and I thought my ideas were so solid. What's going on? Do I suck? Is it always like this in design and I've just been lucky the past couple of years with happy clients who didn't notice that I suck?

Is this a symptom of my abusing and neglecting my real talents and I'm projecting it onto my graphic work? Am I just too overloaded to let my creativity flow?

At the risk of being an uber drama queen, let me tell you I've often wondered if having the talent to create without the discipline to hone it and sell it isn't more curse than blessing. Not fulfilling my potential is the theme of my life. I am 31 years old. I think I've wasted 90% of those 31 years on slacking and not owning my true self-ness. Am I ever going to change? I keep thinking This is the Epiphany! I Have the Answer! and then, not so much.

At least in this round of moody creative doubt, I can say that I'm working my ass off and am a great mama if nothing else and find awesome comfort in that.

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