Thursday, April 5, 2007

the new plan is: there is no plan

I need to reread The Wisdom of Insecurity. I love Alan Watts. I'm having an allergy to chaos right now, and I'm covered in it. My problem is this insane desire to want to plan and know everything instead of letting things flow.

The moment I try to decide How Things Will Be, something intrudes into my illusion of order.

Things feel very up in the air. Bu's Dad's sick- I haven't written about it. He's undergoing radiation treatment for prostate cancer. He's not having any symptoms or side effects beyond fatigue right now, but it's scary. I'm unclear what his prognosis is- we probably won't know until the treatment's completed I guess. Beyond the layers of worry and uncertainty about the cancer itself, we don't know where we'll be with childcare in the very near future. That, of course, brings up all my working mom angst. I hate thinking about this. I feel selfish that I'm even worrying about his role as caregiver for the baby.

My plans to nurse Molly until she self-weans are feeling like self-imposed pressure right now. She bit me so hard skin broke, and last night I had to pump that side. It hurts tonight, but I can nurse her. I'm reading stories of demanding, frequent nursing toddlers and I worry I'll be either too self-conscious about her wanting nummins in front of disapproving people or I'll be worn out with it and wean her early. I hate feeling skittish nursing her. I want her snuggled up with calm mama warm vibes, not a mother who winces when she latches on.

My new "plan," then, is to do my best to surrender my desire to know an impossible map of the future. Being now. We have Papaw, healthy looking and proud of his Boue. I have a nursling who needs me and isn't interested in food much at all and who is in a difficult phase that will pass. Deep breaths, prayer, focus. Spinning earth, changing seasons, growing daughter. Dreams, hopes, blessings. Quiet, family, home.

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