Thursday, April 5, 2007

PB & J

Two nights ago I was lying in bed with the high maintenence whiny wallowing hippo teething biting scary monster baby watching The Holiday and musing melancholy about marriage. Cameron Diaz's Amanda was telling Jude Law's character about her parents' divorce, about how the Three Musketeers were torn apart. It scared the shit out of me. With the Bird being an only child, and us the Triangle Family, if Bu and I ever divorced would it seriously fuck her up?

I have crazy issues from my parents' marriage/divorce. It's complicated- I wanted/needed them to break up, and I think my younger brother would agree. They were totally mismatched and were quite miserable. They stayed together for ages to protect us, thereby making the marriage a trainwreck of tension and pent up animosity. The whole thing left me with first a terrible distaste for marriage and a certainty that I'd never marry, then a sometimes crippling fear that Bu and I are as incompatible as my parents were and that divorce is surely going to ruin our lives some day.

So I lie there near tears waiting for Molly to finally wind herself down. Bu comes up with his new and much beloved iPod to play me and the baby a song. He pops one earbud in my ear and holds the other up to Molly's. It's Dave Matthews Band's Everyday, i.e. the recessional song from our wedding. I grin, Molly bops a little- she's started really liking music. She finally goes to sleep, and I relax a little.

Bu comes up with the iPod again, and says "Come outside with me- this storm is awesome." We go out onto our deck, and the wind is whipping around like mad, dark, brewing clouds and cool spring air. It's intense and sexy as hell. He shares the earpiece with me again, and pulls me to him, and we stand there listening to parts of The American Prayer and looking up at the whipping wrything trees. It's amazing, and delicious, and perfect. I nuzzle against him and the dogs come out and tickle me with their excited, hyped up fur, and I melt into the moment.

BU AND I HAVE "PEANUT BUTTER" AND "JELLY" ENGRAVED IN OUR RESPECTIVE WEDDING BANDS. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE peanut butter AND jelly BECAUSE I HAVE A THING FOR all lowercase letters* BUT THEY MESSED UP. IT LOOKS OK IN ALL CAPS LIKE THIS THOUGH.

* and speakin' of: we had this poem read at the wedding:

i thank You God for most
this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly
spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of
sky;and for everything
which is natural which is
infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginably You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
-e.e.cummings

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