Monday, May 14, 2007


I can be a wife. I can be a mom. I am good at both.

Somehow, though, doing both at the same time eludes me. What's up with this? It's like I have a finite amount of love/giving energy and Molly needs it all. I'm annoyed with Bu for stuff that used to slide, and he says we never touch anymore- eternally frustrating libido issues aside, it seems we aren't hugging/snuggling/holding hands. Didn't even notice. I guess this is the feeling I've read on other nursing mamas' journals about being "touched out." I thought I was immune. I've always been a cuddle craver- clingy, even. Now my husband feels alone and it was a total shock to me.

Meanwhile, he's doing some snapping and temper flaring too, and we just both seem to be at our worst right now, while Molly gets the best part. Only she's not- she's getting stressed out parents whose marriage is taking a hit right now. We have had great talks, great communicating, so I feel positive and secure about us in the big picture... peanut butter + jelly... I just hope we can find a way to go through this together, instead of gritting our teeth and being in our own isolated worlds of tension.

How do people do this? I know we didn't invent the broke-and-crazed-new-parents scenario so how do people cope? I'm considering another throw-Molly-to-the-grandies sleepover, but I don't want to feel on edge because I shipped her off. That'd defeat the purpose of time with Bu.

She's like my little center of peace. Being right there with her playing or nursing or snuggling seems like the only time my soul and brain are content and quieted. But the rest- working the other stuff in- day job, design job, house stuff, quality Bu time. It just dizzies me. I don't have room and look where I put Bu time in that list!

My brain wants to curl up and whimper now. I'll try to post an adorable photo later so I feel less negative and whiny.

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