Friday, June 8, 2007

dear roxy,

OK girl, um how can you be sitting here reading Green Options Blog whilst scarfing down a McDonald's bagel and cinnamon melt? Are you a fragmented personality? An environmental wannabe who cries about the recycling from her party getting thrown in with the trash who has an alter ego too damn lazy to get the hell out of bed in time to make breakfast and coffee at home? This theory would certainly be supported by a blog entry addressed to yourself in second person.

It's so past time to step up. I've got to start living in accordance with my real self and stop blocking my own actualization. So many small steps I'm overwhelmed.

The YW is going broke and desperately trying to raise funds for their crumbly gorgeous old building, and so have stopped giving scholarships. The YMCA is hardish to get to, but have scholarships. The neighboring city rec center has cheaper memberships, so I'll find a way. Meantime I suppose simple walks in the woods across from our property are an obvious and lovely solution. Might have to recruit Bu to come with and wear Emsy in her hiking sling. My back's starting to protest babywearing when there's much walking involved. We're getting a lightweight stroller from the souster, but it of course won't work in the woods.

Something positive to leave you... hmm. Emsy has become upset when I leave her with Papaw lately. I may be twisted to think this is a good thing, but remember I'm a working mama who is constantly worried her little one's not attached enough to her. I get so jealous of Mamaw it's embarrassing.

OK- this is unqualified positivity: I've removed all the baby stuff from my studio-in-waiting to be sold tomorrow at a yard sale, so I'm that much closer to working for reals on my artses. I'm in serious paper-paint-tangible-media-lust. And so squee. The crib is gone too, which made me kinda happy thinking how I "won" the disagreement about where babies should sleep. Well, Ems decided for me actually. Our cosleeping keeps me sane. I'd miss her so much more if I didn't have the snugglebug nighttime. And the idea of trying to "train" her makes me have a cold sweat. We'll deal with that after she weans, I think.

Oh! Another happy. Something reminded my of my labor and the short time between when my water broke and I realized I had to deliver in hospital. All the excitement and perfect surreal anticipation from that moment flooded me and it bled into my memory of the whole day so much, making it all seem exciting and tearfully happy. I'm finally able to remember it as a beautiful day rather than one of painful disappointment.

* Edited to correct a run-on sentence that was making my skin crawl:) *

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