Tuesday, July 3, 2007

about last night...

Ah. I've finished at-home job, after finishing away-from-home job, coming home, downing a rum and cola, and deciding that by virtue of cocktails the at-home job is by far superior. I now have a few moments to myself before I go fetch the banshee.

What in the name of Bob/FSM/Goddess/JesusGodAllMighty is wrong with my Boue? She woke every hour last night to scream, writhe, and fuss for 5 minutes, nurse for 10 or 20 minutes, fall back asleep and repeat each 60 minutes all night long. There's no sign of teething, gas, etc. She did a milder version night before last- and I think the lack of sleep might be the culprit behind the mood crash yesterday and the general anxious awfulness.

So last night, in the middle of the eighth or ninth nummins session, I was pondering, like I do, whether it is maybe time to night wean. I got up after she fell asleep and messed around on Ask Dr. Sears and Kellymom researching a little about night weaning. I found some info that'll help, but I really don't think I'm ready yet to impose a schedule. Part of my reasoning there is that my momtuition is pretty sure that night weaning = weaning weaning where Emsy's concerned. I'm just not here during the day enough for her to continue to nurse in the daytime.

I don't know... I've always said that moms shouldn't martyr themselves- if nursing is legitimately kicking your ass, you quit. You'll be a better mom if you're happy. (I do rant on & on, but my arguement is that society as a whole has to get on board to make it easier to nurse.) I'm not at the point yet where I'm ready to stop, and I really, really still feel committed to her right to self-wean. If this pattern of 8-10 times through the night continues, though, I'll lose my shit.

I'm also starting to feel twinges of wanting out of that bed, back into Bu's. I wish we could have a true family bed, but there are so many reasons it doesn't fit. The cosleeping and nursing are intermingled, of course, so a decision there, too, involves some level of weaning. There's something at play here underlying it all. It probably looks like mommy guilt, but it really isn't. It's more the intense pride I feel about doing things the way that feels right to me. There's so much I'd do differently if I could, but I've never given up with nursing and cosleeping, even with challenges that have come up. It's a source of mama empowerment that I followed through with those ideas. Taking my crunchies where I can, I think.

It was sort of a moment of facing the idea that someday I might have to decide between my ideal plans and my reality. They seem to conflict quite a lot where baby rearing is concerned, and I hate that. It's a lesson, though: Zen and The Art of Toddler Maintenence? We'll see. She's had her phases before, and they've passed. We do, at least, get to sleep in tomorrow.

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