It's funny to me when I find out something matters to me that I didn't realize was important. The grandies are teaching Molly to say grace before meals with her arms folded in front of her. It looks like Jeannie before she flicks her ponytail to cast a spell. That reference should amuse me, but it Does Not. It really bothers me in some protective loyal place that they're teaching her to pray in a different position than I do. Whether I'm praying to Mary Queen of Heaven or Innanna Queen of Heaven or Dionysos or Pan or Demeter, I pray with my hands touching or as clasped as they can clasp. It's a very Christian pose, but it's how my mama prayed and her mama, and her mama, backwards for nearly damn ever. It's funny the way some of the trapping of Christianity, especially Catholicism, really resonate with me. Rosaries and genuflecting feel really powerful and beautiful to me, and I'm deeply sweetly in love with Mary. Jesus is peachy keen too, but he doesn't give me the awe thing.
It pisses me off (at myself) that I've found myself addressing spirituality in a defensive way. It really hadn't occurred to me to start creating little rituals with Molly this young, but the tiny thing of her mimicking their prayer shakes me up. I started a bedtime prayer with her and we'll start lighting a chalice and saying mealtime grace.
I felt the same sort of shame-on-me feeling when a coworker and I discussed the grandies' religion. She asked me a bout UUism and I did the crazy new UU thing where we flounder and start defining it by process of elimination and not explaining anything at all. I felt like a shit, who represents my church as a bunch of flakey new agers who piecemeal a religion. I need to get more active now. It's a challenge with the Wild One but just going and listening to the children's stories is good. Just being there is good.
This all stirs up worry though. Will raising a pagan UU kid be so out there in WV? Will we fight with the grandies over the(o/a)logy? Will it confuse her to confront the differences in her mom's UU faith and her grandparents LDS church and most everyone else around being Protestant? I don't ever want to teach her that the Goddess stuff is hush hush but I foresee family or school freaking out
a little possibly a lot when they hear my little one talk about many Gods or my someday-tween looking forward to her menarche initiation.
We'll work it out. I do have some pagan mama friends I can reach out to; I'm not alone. I'm daydreaming about making a kids' book for pagan bebes. Fun art, prayers, stories. Would be very sweet.