There are natural hot springs so I can soak in bliss without having jacuzzi-induced carbon footprint guilt. There are fresh fruity icy smoothies to sip whilst soaking, and a folk guitarist to serenade me. Neil Gaiman comes to read me stories so my eyes can rest, too. I get foot massages and waxed legs, but only so I'm silky enough to appreciate the 1,000 thread count cotton sheets. Only, wait, they're finely spun hemp fibers. Yeah, hemp. And they've been delicately scented with lavender.
There are nannies onsite who are raised on organic granola and are certified crunchy by the International Association of Mom-Tested Intuitive, Responsible, & Excellent Daycaregivers (IAMTIRED) who attend to my toddler's needs in a creative and patient way. TV is banned and they have magic food that looks like mashed potatoes and chips but is really fresh broccoli and spinach.
There are boob fairies who bring me the baby to nurse at night and then sprinkle fairy dust on her belly to keep her full and content as she sleeps in a comfy floating crib by my bed- in which I can roll and stretch in any way I please. The boob fairies take all my night milkies and use it to make their fairy dust so I don't have to pump or nurse.
In the morning, there are mimosas with fine champagne and fresh-squeezed orange juice and as much cantaloupe and whole wheat toast and honey butter (the fairies sneak this in for me so the vegan chef doesn't know) as I can eat. This is served on a pretty ceramic tray by Maggie Gyllenhaal, who then gives me a full body massage and whatever else I may be needing that morning.
I really only need a few days at Daisy Dream Spa, and I'll be recharged.
Testament to my need is the fact that it's taken me a week to finish this post. I did get last night off so I could [