Tuesday, October 2, 2007

mindfullness

Edit: lol.. you guys probably think I was on crack titling this post "mindfullness." I actually started a post about a new meditation/anxiety management idea, but I just decided to write about my day of arrrrgh! instead. Then, stuck in the arrrrgh!, I forgot to change the title. Thanks for the suggestions so much; we'll make it through this. We slept better last night. Shorter nursing sessions at least.

Breakdown.

Feeling lost and overwhelmed and confused and all similar doubleplusungood emotions. I think I have to wean this baby from nighttime nursing; I'm exhausted. I'm sitting-in-the-driveway-sobbing-uncontrollably-husband-drags-me-inside-to-call-in-to-work-exhausted.

I'm going to examine this gently, and call my friend who's a LLL leader and have her hold my hand through this and see how ro approach it. It's so fraught with emotion for me I can barely discuss this without tears, but I have to figure out what to do to get more sleep because I am Fucking Losing My Shit.

It seems like a no-brainer to everyone who is not me. If you are me, it is a big damn deal: a huge clash between my instincts (Mamaself: wait her out; she needs the nighttime bonding and so do I. Employee/Business Owner/Wifeself: holyshit get the succubus off my boobz and sleep you crazy bitch- you are crazed.)

Tonight my plan is to not try to get anything done after her bedtime. I'll laze around and watch House (HughLauriesquee!) and whatever and snuggle the baby. Try to talk to V about the weaning & stuff and get a boobycheerleader perspective. It's so hard. She is so not ready, so weaning will be a definite test of wills and a sobbing baby sobbing mommy mess. It might make me feel worse than the lack of sleep. Fuck.

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