Tuesday, August 12, 2008

mood, memory

I'm in a really strangely melancholic state right now. Can't figure out why... just, sad. I was probing around, looking for a reason, and I realized I completely forgot the anniversary of mom's death. (7.10.01, exactly at noon.) Now, I'm telling myself I was distracted- that was the week of our party and Laura's visit- and that it's a serious positive that I didn't grieve. Many years past on that day I've had this inexplicable sadness or anxiety and halfway through the day I realized what was upsetting me. In 2006, I forgot because it was my first day back to work after the Birdy's birth and I was so full of freaking out about that it eclipsed everything else.

But I feel weird about it. Disloyal, that I didn't even close my eyes and tell her presence in my heart, "hi," or do a light-every-candle thing.

At least now I have an anchor for my sadness. Apparently I needed to invent one. I feel homesick for her. Only way to describe it.

2 comments:

  1. Honey, that is SOOOOOOO normal-not good, not bad-it just is. I can go days sometimes without thinking of her, and can let the day pass.

    It's the smaller moments that kill me now, realizing the other day that when I hear a cricket, I think of my mother and I have no idea why. That's what I'm homesick for. Knowing the answer.

    Hugs.

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  2. It's that you're healing. I'd celebrate that :)

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