Thursday, October 22, 2009

Mourning


The thing about depression is that I think of it as synonymous with sadness. But then, when real grief comes, I realize depression is a numbness. Sorrow hurts. It hurts so bad it feels like a shattering, a shredding. Just a broken, open lost feeling. Shapeless.

My center is scattered to winds that chill then warm and distract with beauty for a moment. Then, when the air shifts away and the world is less autumn-beautiful, the pain is worse by comparison.

Tiny, stabbing grievings so sudden I can't brace myself for them.

I'll fall apart if I try to eulogize Holly or speak of her. When my mourning settles I can and will paint the beautiful picture of her she deserves.

3 comments:

  1. I love you. You are in my prayers...always, but especially now.

    Nell

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  2. I'm so sorry for your grief. Know you're in my thoughts and prayers.
    P

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  3. Heidi
    I can so understand your thoughts having lost my mother a month ago. She is the one person in your life no matter what you did or said always loved you unconditionally to losing my beautiful baby sister a little over 2 yrs ago from suicide which changed me forever, but I have to believe that everything happens for a reason and when it becomes just to hard to deal with, I hand it to God and pray for strength.
    Carol

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