Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Sturdy Beings

I'm in a very hamsterwheel sort of place right now. My mojo lasts until three or four in the afternoon, and then I'm just drifting. Fast food, movies with the baby. Shane & I are in different orbits, maybe with him in the man cave piloting a space ship and me floating through whatever my internal space encounters. Evenings are narcotic.

I know simple answers- the gym, raw veggies, time management. But it all feels like swimming through jello. Uphill. I know things, I can feel them gathering energy like I want to be born. Birthbirthbirth this week, remembering when I had a baby- not this awe-inspiring little supernova-creative-force of a person who is turning a solid, square Four this week.

I know the connection I made with Shane was born of a lake in the woods, and that the camping trips this summer are like a necessary ritual. I know he understood when I told him, "Let's go anywhere there's a body of water." I know he could read in me that I'm thirsty for quiet and cool water and the dancing, kinetic triangle we make, watching our little one bounce between us.

I'm in a little fog of forgetting and quicksand time, but I know things.

I looked in the mirror and saw that I am a sturdy being, and I knew like you know gravity that I'm never going to be the wavering wraith the depression made of me. I knew that worries and mourning are in my past and future but that the shapeless, fluid darkness of not living in myself is buried. I've made myself. I'm making myself, watching it happen right now.

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