Wednesday, August 25, 2010

#30DaysOfTruth Day 7 // Shrugging off the Cliché

I am having a me-day cliché. I took the day off in case I was wired after Blondie & The B52s popped their glam into my brain all night, and because it's the Birdy's first day of Pre-K. It's her longest stay at school after the 3 hour classes last year. I'm being highly productive and finishing the laundry rather than sneaking off to see Inception by myself. It feels good on some deep, nesty psyche level. I am investing in the temple of my home. I also realized I had time to peruse my reader in leisure. Oh, nerdly bliss. And I'm playing with Grooveshark, and am firing Last.fm now probably.

[invisible segue]

Effexor rocks, I have decided. My seratonins & norepinephrines are all locked out of their reuptake spots and they're playing outside like good little neurotransmitters. So, coming out of the fog of last week's back attack, I feel revived and actually good. I caught myself last night worrying a little about that contentment, because being happy terrifies me. I was able to sort of coast to a smoother thinking pattern, though, and my mood is buoyed still.

I lay there with my daughter curled against me, and I breathed the stillness and soaked up all the sweetness I could from that darling moment. I felt the weight of her tiny body and the safe square walls surrounding us, and I felt the deep belonging I feel with this life now. I feel really at home in my world lately- as much as I can right now. (In some permanent way mom will always be a homesick void in me, and I'm missing my brother terribly- he moved out of state recently, and there's a stew of regrets there about not spending enough time with him.)

So to try to saddle up toward this prompt with both a mystical & a critical eye, "motherness" has made my life worth living, if you'll excuse my choking on that phrase. While for me, having a baby was the most specific and perfect kind of healing possible, I want to spit out the idea that motherhood validates women in some way that elevates them above unmoms. And I get really rankled up at the idea that my life's worth is contingent on anyone else.

Perhaps I should just paraphrase and glow thusly: my fey little sparkling girl infuses my life with new, delicious meaning.


Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

2 comments:

  1. <3

    (Go sneak off and see Inception, tho. It's FANTASTIC and I want to discuss it with you.)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Naughty Lexie, trying to sabotage my domestic duties:)Maybe I'll make it this weekend. Miss you! xo

    ReplyDelete