I'm having fun with the Receiving Project, but as predicted, I'm having some stumbling blocks- no worries: my homie Ganesha is the remover of obstacles, and (maybe before the end of the project) I'll be wearing him on my beautiful claw arm. (Hold this in your mind- my love of flaunting my body's strangeness. I have an ability/disabilty post coming soon.)
The block has hit me before. During the Artist's Way, and with any ritual work involving prosperity. I carry with me an enormous anger at the rich- unless they defy the norm like Saint Bill Gates who restores my faith in humanity most times he's in the news. I also am painfully aware of my privileged status as a middle class kid who married a bit more upper-middle than my family. I was able to get a college degree in my field of choice and I've never been hungry-poor.
Privilege-guilt is there, but so is an almost-sorta-Marxist's class anger. It's a swirl of angst about money. I'm going to reread my Artist Way notes and dig through this more.
But this isn't about money- or not only. It's about telling ourselves we deserve the sweetness the Universe has to give to us. It's about moms and dads stopping for a moment to ask for replenishment and nurturing for US, who sometimes give until we're drained. And this is where my breakthrough came, just minutes ago, with my warm small darling curled into the small of my back.
I realized how much fear I carry when I was able to articulate this: I don't trust the Universe to take care of me. It's the simple fear of a wounded child, and its root is this: You took my mama, showed me that deep, horrific loss is possible. How can I trust you now?
Now that I've written this into an understandable idea and not just a festering, dark emotion-monster, I feel I can work through it. When mom was sick, and especially in the end, of all the dark, sweet mother goddesses and comforting archetypes to help me with death, the only deity I could understand was Eris- chaos. The only way to cope was to see that cancer and death is random. I needed to know that there was no reason one person can smoke for 70 years and live 90 while my 48 year old mom-sister-everything was dying. It had to be cold, pure chance.
Later, I didn't notice how I was becoming more and more afraid- my anxiety didn't seem to relate to it, but it is very much a result of fear. I'm really pleased to have woken this morning with these puzzle pieces solved.
I've had the Charge of the Goddess in my mind since beginning this, and the Star Goddess is speaking to me. I'm amazed and happy that really examining and naming my pan-/a-theism has not at all hampered my ability to tap into that goddess-selfness and the beautiful myths that have helped explain this human world. (Although I imagine there are atheist friends reading who have migraines right now- ha.)