We woke to the sound of our daughter in distress, and we went to our unspoken but seemingly choreographed roles. I took her in arms and cleaned and warmed her. You stripped the bedding and found soft, clean blankets. I told you without speaking that I had an easier day ahead- You knew I remembered you had an urgent week at work. You went out for her favorite drinks and I comforted her and attended her through the long night.
I slipped in and out of dreams during the fretful, chaotic night. In my nightmares she was sick, so sick, and I needed you and tried to call out but couldn't make a noise. I tried to walk and I couldn't, so I crawled to you.
When you came home to us, you steered me gently to bed and kept me from pushing- always pushing- too hard. You kissed us both and we collapsed almost at once into hard sleep.
I had somehow become invisible to my real life, but couldn't live my old one either. No one knew you, or our little hollow. My old apartments were filled with my family but I couldn't get in to them- they weren't home. I called your number and it never rang true to you. Your name was gone from my phone, our address didn't exist. But I knew, and I would find you. I made my way out of my little hometown to the city. I walked, feet bare, to our hidden neighborhood through a long, strange dream-road. I finally found our home, and you held me, and I sobbed like earthquakes and you held tightly.
This morning, we launched snips of aggression at each other like sport, then we both saw the pattern and we both breathed carefully, and stopped. The strain of balancing moods and emotions weighed on me, seeming to be so much work that I'd never learn how to live in marriage. I thought like I so often do, that I am terrible at this. At teamwork, compromise, compassion.
Then you kissed me sweetly and I melted.
Then you left and I cried for my thoughts always spiraling out to failure.
Then I nestled into your smell in the sheets and found what I was seeking.
I always find it. I lose it so easily and carelessly, the understanding. I toss it around like an annoyance rather than nurturing it like it's a living, breathing thing. This entity that exists between two people, this marriage is our creation like our child. I forget and I ignore and I resist and then, always, the mundane falls back like a curtain and I see us and I remember. I forget and remember 1,000 times a day. I always find it- I always find you. Because you are here- you are home, and heart, and center, and sun.