Thursday, May 3, 2012

ChangesBowie. Er... ChangesRichardsonEvans?

So, I've rescinded my status as a worker bee. I had a long, difficult, and teary talk with my director, and Monday was the last day I was the manager of my beloved little shop.

But it was time. I was going to title this, 'Giving up the Ghost,' but then Shane called me David Bowie due to my haircut/blondeness and I've had Changes stuck in my head since Monday anyway, so there you go. My husband thinks of this


when he makes out with me, and I don't know whether that's flattering, super hot, or just scary. I'm going with hot, because Mmmm... Bowie.

And leaping over a meaningless digression, let's return to the fact that my world went a little intense last week and this. After calling in three days in a row and suffering huge, quaking panic attacks as a result, I finally admitted to Shane, my coworkers, my therapist, my neurologist, and my boss that I'm not doing as well as I've been reporting. I've downplayed my pain habitually. It was a really tough thing to face, but it felt inevitable once everything was laid out plain: I can't do that work right now. I can't stand at the register, steam the clothes... I can't do retail. Not even shiny, lovely, charitable retail.

And so I'm resting, and rethinking. While I look into my options- desk job, unemployment, disability, etc. I'm working on my creative endeavors. I'm putting together a business plan- at the moment it looks like this:

  1. Research art, design, and blogger business plans.
Impressive and thorough, non?

It's a sadness, to leave my shopgirl family, but it's time to make friends with mybodyself. I've been meditating a lot on that since the Mindfullness book. It's something I'll probably explore more, but having a keen body-awareness/acceptance is so important for me to heal. I'm calming into the awareness that I'm on the early side of projected recovery after the spinal fusion. This body may take a year to feel good as opposed to six months. It may take 18 months. It's a possibility the disc-generated pain wasn't the whole story- Shane and I both think arthritis is a big factor here.

Whatever happens, I'm being in my now, and my now is a gift to my creative self accompanying a blow to the competent/independent self. There's another thing to explore: being dependent financially, physically from a feminist perspective. It's not terribly easy.

The other hidden win here is more time as a Stay at Home Mom. Sure, Mama's been limpy and there's been a lot of Potter movies and books with iced-arse rest time, but Daddy's been on outdoors duty lately. We're approaching Birthday #6, and planning a Paleontologist Party.

So, any new developments in your life lately? 
Scary/exciting changes?
Got any creative entrepreneur links?

4 comments:

  1. The 72 hour sale this time around is pretty decent (you have two hours and forty six minutes left). I'm not sure yet, I'll make a decision in the next hour (I'd be buying it almost completely for Susannah Conway and Marianne Elison's stuff, but there are other ones that might be important, like small business infrastructure): http://only72.com/

    I just bought this (digital and hard copy, I'll send you the hard copy after I read it): http://www.cooperativepress.com/shop/market-yourself/

    Basically,creative entrepreneuring boils down to two parts: a product you are selling and the right people to sell it to.

    The issue I run into is that my blog readers aren't my right people to sell product to. My blog readers want tutorials, not product. Tutorials I've been giving away. So, I gotta work on that. (And on finding more right people by guest posting.)

    <3

    (Call me if you want to talk... I'm here until 10, then I leave for a photowalk.)

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  2. I know that this can't be an easy choice...but I am so super excited for you. You are a brilliant artist and designer. You have wonderful things to share...and I look forward to see what magic you make.

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  3. Thanks for the encouragement & resources! It's kind of an Unbearable Lightness and also a mellow sadness and creative excitement all at once.

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  4. You are a brave soul. We should talk soon.

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