Friday, March 29, 2013

Fighting my Demons with Evidence (of a Jabberwock, a Puzzle Piece, and Mad Hatters)

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Grunge textures by Snapseed with further processing
in Camera+ and Vintique.
This self portrait is what I feel like after a chipper morning crashed into the awareness that I'm having a PMDD surge of doubt and anxiety. I'd planned on a fun post this morning showing you my work on the Alice in Wonderland project but instead I'm really glad I collected the images yesterday and can post them now as proof that my Red Demon lies. We all have a shadow self- several, I expect. Some whisper scary truths, but many tell us lies. Today my cycle Liar-Demon is telling me that I'm a mess of chaotic fear held loosely together only by the gravity of depression and the cage that is my pain. Of course, the demon-voice tells me that the cage is always there and I'll never escape.

I know. I know the demon part lies.

That's a huge victory itself. And knowing the chemical roots and the rhythms of it. But my heart just isn't in the place I expected to be today, in making a fun project-revealing post, but I need to share and own the reality that I'm almost ready to paint and that I'm happy with the character studies and (mostly) happy with the layout. Once I sketch it in real scale I'll probably tweak the composition some but this is where I am:

in progress.

The painting will be a puzzle piece for an autism therapy fundraiser for my former clinic. The puzzle shape made me think of my obsession with the line "curiouser & curiouser," and I thought the surrealism of the stories and poems were perfect for a puzzle. Here is a collage of the drawing studies, and a funny and very quickie Photoshopped layout with the laziest Jabberwock ever pen-tooled in 30 seconds. Yesterday I did loosely doodle up the beastie. He's reversed because I fucked up the version facing the right direction and just kept doodling on the next page. No mojo left to prettify the comp today. Need breakie.



I'll create a fun post when that's my real self again, and I'll tell you about the clinic and the fundraisers going on and there will be more progress. Today I'm doing what I can and it's a different post than I planned but life is that. A different self (we're each of us a multitude) will write and paint soon, and I'm sinking into acceptance of my brain and body in this moment, and I'll be writing through that as a warm-up for Poeming into the Now. Most of that writing will be at the Facebook page in my notes tab if you miss it in my stream. Perk me up with a new 'like' if you're not following my art & writing page. 

Warm spring waking wishes to you.

2 comments:

  1. You always always amaze me with your posts, this one being so relevant to life for me also, the demons of doubt and chagrin chase me as I work to rebuild a life that is now lying in ashes, I walk away to be reborn by the fire...thank you so much for putting in words and in life your heart, your soul...much love to sunny days ahead!

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