Friday, March 29, 2013

Fighting my Demons with Evidence (of a Jabberwock, a Puzzle Piece, and Mad Hatters)

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Grunge textures by Snapseed with further processing
in Camera+ and Vintique.
This self portrait is what I feel like after a chipper morning crashed into the awareness that I'm having a PMDD surge of doubt and anxiety. I'd planned on a fun post this morning showing you my work on the Alice in Wonderland project but instead I'm really glad I collected the images yesterday and can post them now as proof that my Red Demon lies. We all have a shadow self- several, I expect. Some whisper scary truths, but many tell us lies. Today my cycle Liar-Demon is telling me that I'm a mess of chaotic fear held loosely together only by the gravity of depression and the cage that is my pain. Of course, the demon-voice tells me that the cage is always there and I'll never escape.

I know. I know the demon part lies.

That's a huge victory itself. And knowing the chemical roots and the rhythms of it. But my heart just isn't in the place I expected to be today, in making a fun project-revealing post, but I need to share and own the reality that I'm almost ready to paint and that I'm happy with the character studies and (mostly) happy with the layout. Once I sketch it in real scale I'll probably tweak the composition some but this is where I am:

in progress.

The painting will be a puzzle piece for an autism therapy fundraiser for my former clinic. The puzzle shape made me think of my obsession with the line "curiouser & curiouser," and I thought the surrealism of the stories and poems were perfect for a puzzle. Here is a collage of the drawing studies, and a funny and very quickie Photoshopped layout with the laziest Jabberwock ever pen-tooled in 30 seconds. Yesterday I did loosely doodle up the beastie. He's reversed because I fucked up the version facing the right direction and just kept doodling on the next page. No mojo left to prettify the comp today. Need breakie.

I'll create a fun post when that's my real self again, and I'll tell you about the clinic and the fundraisers going on and there will be more progress. Today I'm doing what I can and it's a different post than I planned but life is that. A different self (we're each of us a multitude) will write and paint soon, and I'm sinking into acceptance of my brain and body in this moment, and I'll be writing through that as a warm-up for Poeming into the Now. Most of that writing will be at the Facebook page in my notes tab if you miss it in my stream. Perk me up with a new 'like' if you're not following my art & writing page. 

Warm spring waking wishes to you.


  1. You always always amaze me with your posts, this one being so relevant to life for me also, the demons of doubt and chagrin chase me as I work to rebuild a life that is now lying in ashes, I walk away to be reborn by the fire...thank you so much for putting in words and in life your heart, your soul...much love to sunny days ahead!