Wednesday, July 31, 2013

My Disjointed Blog Post


My mental state can be ascertained by what type of Whedonspeak I'm using. When Dad first went into the ICU, I spoke Buffy, which is just how I talk. As the stress increased I couldn't sleep and deconstructed into full-on River Tam batshit for a while. Then I stabilized a bit into a really tense Topher Brink. When PMDD set in, I went Dark Willow for a little a bit, as detailed below.

Dad's been in critical condition for 16 days now, and I think that the human mind is so flexible that it just adjusts to this stuff-- You just can't sustain that level of worry for very long. Either you accept the tension as normal or it decreases on its own. Either way, the worry is my new status quo.

We do have some better news lately. They closed up part of one of one of Dad's wounds, and last night the nurse told us he is more lucid and calm. We were all overwhelming him with visits, so they told us to take a temporary break, so my stepmom Jamie is the only one he's seeing for now. He was weaning from Fentanyl to Dilaudid and oxycodone for pain, and that was a mindfuck.


My Finn dude is growing less like a weed and more like a bouncing, leaping, hyperhappy labrador puppy. He's outgrown his original Finn Den, named after we decided between Finnland and the Finn Den. (Finn Dinn? In West Virginia that's a hard rhyme.) and he's using a big kennel. He adjusted to sleeping away from Molly and me easily.

Fun text convo about Sir Finn,
the mighty white knight. Last night
he was making a noise that
sounded like "Ni!"

I asked Shane why it seems like coping with the stress of Dad's illness is different than with mom- the grieving isn't the same of course, as no relationship is the same as any other, but I'm having a really hard time dealing with non-Dad stuff on top of that worry. Then I answered my own question with the obvious facts of a seven year old kid, a four month old puppy, a husband, and chronic pain that both complicate and help diffuse the tension. Also last week was the Week of the Red Queen, and it took gargantuan effort to resist putting through a window the tiny little 20-nothing nurse who kept calling my father babydoll. In my unreasonable mindset, this made me furious. Little bitch has no respect for her elders! This is a grown man! Idiot! Off with her head! Now that I'm in the exorcism phase of my cycle, I get that when we're caretakers we all tend to baby people. I remember calling Grandma honey and darlin' when she was in the hospital.

My village is being their awesome selves and helping with Molly when needed, but honestly, she has been really mature and sweet. She wants to be at the hospital whenever I am and behaves really well- except the time I let her eat a huge brownie and we had to scrape her off the ceiling. She is a treasure, and being with her grounds me like nothing else.


We saw The Wolverine. It was the low end of mediocre. I think I'm over superhero movies until the next Avengers. Man of Steel was so awful I was actually angry at Zack Snyder. But I have the Watchmen and V for Vendetta books to read, so I'll have my nerd fix. I'd bought them for my nephew before learning that he couldn't take them to military school. I'm like a comic book drug lord or something.

I need to gather some books I can take camping- I.e. my own, paper, awesome but not so awesome that some mud would be a crisis. We're unplugging a while this weekend, and it's our first family vacation since my back surgery years. I'll have to be a pretty lazy camper, but I'm excited to be alone for some quiet time while Shane and Molly hike.

Hearing some good news about Dad and the order to chill on the visits is helping my anxiety about leaving. I'm finally getting excited about travel. It'll be really fun to take Finn on his first camping trip. He's a joyful little explosion of puppy magic, and with Molly's summer of Brave Girliness- touching bugs, swimming underwater, losing the training wheels- this will be a sweet celebration of the summer for us.


  1. Catching up after a long hiatus from blogs. Really sorry about your dad, Heidi. Sending big hugs from all the Dufairs. And good luck with puppies and bikes!

    1. Hi, Jason, great to hear from you:) I'm trying to get back in a blog reading routine myself- are you still writing? What's the URL?

      Thanks for the good mojo for Dad- he's doing much better but I haven't updated here yet- news on Dad's on my Facebook page. Love to the Dufair clan:D