Monday, July 16, 2018

Making a Bipolar Type II Instruction Manual: Part 3: Symptom Hyper-Awareness

This is one of the most familiar things I'm feeling, but I have this new framework to categorize it so it bothers me both more and less than before. (As if I could experience anything without some kind of paradox.)

I am so aware of my symptoms.

I've always been a meta-thinker; I think a lot about my thought patterns and psychology. (Oh, are you new here? Hi! Welcome to the utter batshit chaos. Pull up a teetering pile of books or something and get cozy with the crazy.)

I'm one of those who leaves a social event or a visit with a friend and then analyzes every awkward thing I said, every time my compulsive speech rammed over people or a simple statement meandered for twenty minutes.

Every time I blurted out a serious overshare and covered it up with THE MOST EXTRA BEHAVIOR EVER because of course I don't care I am gregarious AF get on my level I am a goddamn glittering galactic goddessssss!!!

{i am actually a tiny little snake chewing through its tail with anxiety waiting to crawl back into my hole and freaking at how oh my gods i'm making everyone so fucking uncomfortable why am i like this why'd i just say that wait i know why now but i'm still LIKE THIS oh my shit why why whyyyyyy???}

So yes: I've always done this. But now, I know the names of things (like this phrase that was a revelation: "pressured speech") and that yes, they are symptomatic of a hypomanic state. So there's that sense of relief I felt when S explained that's part of the disorder. The. "Oh, wow! I'm not a rude ass who just can't follow conversational etiquette."

But it frustrates me, too, that although I know it's symptomatic I still can't control it yet.

But with therapy and a lot of work I can learn to manage this, my most shameful symptom. (Also the shame & guilt show, but I won't take you into a spiral that could go on for 50,000 words.)

Speaking of therapy, I have found a counselor, V, who seems to be an absolute jewel. There is the tiny hitch that my Medicare won't cover anyone who isn't an MD or DO. Her practice has a lovely program for patients who have low income and are underinsured, so my sessions are a reduced fee. They are however, costing me.

Money's a little just... nope.

So if you'd like to buy me a coffee, you can do that here.

I'm still trying to get hold of my bill from the psych hospital. Can't make a fundraiser page if you don't have a goddamned goal. 

I'm also hoping to get a Patreon set up but i'm also um hypomanic and thinking I can do all the projects & conquer the universe but i can't i only have the GREAT HUGE IDEAS infinity stone not the physical energy and mental organization to follow through infinity stones so it may be a while to determine what rewards I can offer supporters and how to tier them and such.

So... story of my life: Everything is ridiculously overwhelming when it involves actual details.

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